tHE qUARANTINE DIARES
Writing by Ananya Dunn
Illustrations by Gabriela Kemble-Diaz
The days are beginning to blend into one. I cannot tell the difference. Whilst I know how to amuse myself, I feel as though I am doing things just to keep myself from being bored rather than doing it because I want to. Today so far, I have had a tutorial, I have edited the footage from Croatia creating a short film of our time there, I have rearranged my shelving and I have begun a new book. And while this seems like a good way to spend my time, I feel bored and a little lost. These are confusing times and staying creative is hard. It’s very difficult not to get lost in a time like this.
Today, I have played guitar, learnt a new piece on the piano, I have read and read, called friends and went out on a bike ride. Now whilst this sounds like a productive day, I have been completely and entirely bored. Although right now, I feel great. I am currently reading with a glass of wine and Apollo by tourist playing. The window is slightly open, the cool breeze brushing over my face. I feel totally at peace.
I have found that around 2-4 I get really unmotivated and depressed. Everything just slows down and I have nothing I want to do – I cannot will myself to move. To get myself out of the depressive state today, I hit the pads with my mum then felt a lot better. I think doing something physical definitely gets me going and into a better mindset. Started editing footage for Pink Trolley and I felt a little purpose came back into my life. Time is going so slowly but also so fast, it is already April.
there are moments, usually in the evenings as the sun is beginning to set, where everything is quiet, other than the breeze travelling through the trees and the singing birds. The clouds part for rays of sun to shine down upon this crazy world and everything seems at peace, just for that moment. I feel completely calm. Time moves as slowly as the clouds passing above me. This is what I live for; it’s what gets me through the day, this moment of serendipity.
A completely uninteresting day as normal but a lovely one. I have got shit done and feel good because of it. I am ending the evening writing and listening to great music and I feel great. I have realized that I am not fully taking advantage of the time I have here and even though I don’t know when it will last till and I cannot see my boyfriend or friends (all things that are getting me down), I could use my time so much better. I want to do and feel proud. And I am in a place of privilege to even be able to self isolate and if I were to get sick, I would have the necessary care I needed which is more than some people can say. For now, I feel guilty but happy and content and I must do more.
Today has been a very weird day indeed. I feel on the cusp of a huge panic attack at every second which in its own way is a panic attack. I can’t explain it but being in isolation makes me feel trapped in everything that I have been wanting to do even though I don’t necessarily want to do it. I feel myself forcing me to do things to make use of the time and whilst that is good it’s also driving me slightly crazy. I don’t want to look back at this time and regret it, for either spending all my time worrying about what I am not doing or doing nothing at all – how do I find the in between is what I ask myself?
I am currently sitting outside, the sun slowly going down below the horizon, shining a yellow glow onto the clouds. A cool breeze. I do feel calm at this moment. I am forgetting where I am and what situation I am in. and I am okay.